I am sorry I am here today, I looked everywhere but seems fucking loneliness has fight to death to stay with me. I cannot be mad my dear, but somehow I am human and I am.
Irony never left, she has kicked my face again, played cards so well with my heart, brought the damned agony and the pain, I have tried to just forget but sometimes it gets harder, I am sorry dear, I am sorry I have failed again. I must be wrong then since I am the common denominator when it comes to hell.
I was raised to heaven and beyond, I felt it each day in the past months, I had fears but somehow I could let them go, I became stronger enough, I left the hell looking for paradise, but as today I can say my friend, the hell is in my head or the things that are in me, my eye is hurting for each time I clean my tears, I do not want to cry but there are moments when I cannot avoid it, I have been robbed, I wish I could explain better but has no explanation at all, lost the sense in the road and as for now I am embracing God to hold me up.
So yes dear, now that I write you again in here, now that you read me, I want to remember you that you stranger, you are the only one here, I want you to help me please, take this crap inside of me, send it to the wind, ask it to have a trip with it, ask it to take it far away from me. I look into you right now, betray the sense of “hows” and just calm me down…
But I cannot be selfish friend, I have Fifi right here with me, I must be strong I must fight to death against this whole, if I have to change my mind I would do it, I can be broken but I am still alive, I need to keep walking I cannot stay apart of the line, I lost one way but there are some other ways my friend, I just need to open my eyes and look, since everything is in the mind, since my head can be my cell but can also be my home. Are you with me dear? Would you come and say just “go on girl I am here”?
So yes, dear friend, I cannot listen you, I cannot see you for sure, you might or not exist, but I feel you, can be just a twisted game to betray the fear of loneliness, can be just an illusion as everything appears to be in this life in this game, but I write you this letters, I let go what I feel, you help me all the time here so I do not care, you are still my friend, you give me your shoulder I cry alone but you hold it. You are real for me, so I believe and I will find my way, dear, I know each time that looks like the fucking end, that hurts to death, each time that disappointment comes killing hope, each time that pain wants to make you pay taking away the faith, each time that someone walks away God still remains, no matter if you see him or not, he still remains, he will find the way to give you strength.
So the truth is that I do not know anything, I just feel everything, dear friend, I let it go again. I am still hoping to see you in this life one day.
Coconut-skin, walking and awaiting here.